2017 – As it happened

Your Free SMUG ‘2017 Almanack’ – Existential threat to our local University!!!

In 2016 Jody Redmires, Professor of Physics at the University of Winchester (together with his team of researchers) developed a time-machine which has successfully transported him to the future and back again.

“It was my first outing, so I took the cautious approach and only went as far as the end of 2017 – in case I couldn’t get back. Well, I didn’t want to miss my daughters growing-up, did I?” he told us.

Here (according to Redmires) are some of the key events of next-year, in which Universities seem to feature rather heavily:

January:

Pockets of the country begin to experience their own versions of Kristallnacht, as Italian restaurant windows are smashed in Hartlepool and German Cars are vandalised in Newport, Wales. Meanwhile in Gosport, the Turkish owner of a kebab-shop has his hand impaled on one of his own skewers by an angry mob.

The 15 per cent of U.K. University academic staff that are from the rest of the EU see the writing on the wall, and begin to leave before they are forced to.

Donald Trump is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. When asked to make a speech, new First Lady Melania replies: “Where there is discord, may we bring harmony. Where there is error, may we bring truth. Where there is doubt, may we bring faith, and where there is despair, may we bring hope”.

February:

Sick of their “coming over here, bringing their millions”, the Tories finally declare an outright-ban on ALL pesky foreign students – not just the Indian ones – thereby proving that they are not racist.

Meanwhile, Theresa May goes on another trade trip to India and tells them that ‘we’ are going to re-establish the British East India Company and that all Indian (and Ceylonese) tea will be traded through that.  The trading profits are to be diverted back to the ‘mother country’. There is to be ‘no negotiating’ on this. We are Great Britain, after all.

March:

Hard Brexit’ is pushed-through. In order to ‘take back control’ and make British lives better, we leave the EU and thereby lose all sorts of employment rights. Already-deprived areas of the U.K lose billions of pounds worth of EU structural funding grants.

The Duke of Edinburgh announces that the £370 million refurb of Buck-House is going ‘jolly well’ before observing “I say….where have all the darkies gone?”

Donald Trump finally discovers that Farage “isn’t the real UK Prime Minister”, and dismisses him from his retinue of sycophants. Will Savage (of Winchesters Independent ‘Wexit’ movement fame) invites Farage to help with the Wexit campaign in the run-up to the July referendum.

April:

BBC’s Springwatch presenter Michaela Strachan is sacked by the B.B.C. when the tabloids reveal that she attended a west-end party dressed in a fox-fur coat.

The earnings-power of all U.K. Universities plummets, owing to foreign students no-longer each paying £15,000 per year, and also owing to less research funding being obtained from (amongst others) the EU. One by one, they are declared-bankrupt.

May:

Poundland buys-up each U.K. University for 50 pence, and puts their photos on display in the window of their store on Shirley High Street, Southampton. Mike Ashley and ‘Sir’ Phillip Green walk past the store, and decide to form a new business venture known as ‘Shafters plc’. Shafters snaps-up each University from Poundland for £1 (except for the University of Winchester, which is offered at a reduced-rate of sixty pence).

The first evening of Wexit campaign strategy talks between Will Savage and Nigel Farage is a success. After his eleventh pint-with-chaser, Savage tells Farage: “I love you…you’re my best mate, you are”.

June:

Latest estimates indicate that the U.K. bumblebee population is now: 27. “Honey, I shrunk the honey” runs the smart-alec headline in the Guardian.

No longer protected by EU law, what’s-left of our U.K. University staff are put onto zero-hours contracts by Mike Ashley. “Stay on the end of a mobile ‘phone. When we get a student in your area, we’ll text you” the employer’s letter says.

Home Secretary Amber Rudd finally gets her way. Employers of foreigners are named-and-shamed, and all overseas workers are forced to have a yellow star sewn into their clothing.

July:

Along the north-south border of Ireland there is civil-unrest over the chaos caused by ‘Brexit’. Putin decides he wants a slice of Ireland too, and informs the U.K. Ministry of Defence that he is sending his flagship Admiral Kuznetsov over there, via the Humber estuary, the river Trent, the canal system and the river Mersey. The Ministry of Defence calls a top-level ‘crisis meeting’, and then replies to Putin:  “erm………..OK”.

On the 15th (St. Swithuns Day), The Wexit Referendum is held. The ‘leave’ campaign win by 52% to 48%. Thousands of Winchester’s domestic cleaners and fast-food sales assistants are told that from 1st Jan 2018, they will no longer be allowed to commute from Eastleigh.

‘Sir’ Phillip Green complains that the ashtrays on his luxury yacht are getting full, so he needs a new one. He sets-about redirecting University pension funds into the newly-created parent company (Shafters). A sizeable dividend for the only two shareholders of Shafters is then announced.

August:

Ever-the-businessman, Donald Trump trades-in Melania for another younger woman. Asked what he thought of his new 21 year old Taiwanese bride he replies: “She’s beautiful….totally, totally beautiful”.

Sir Ian Botham announces that his business consortium has just bought the whole of Derbyshire and is converting it to one large grouse moor in time for the ‘glorious twelfth’. Local builder’s merchants run out of supplies of sand-bags.

One year too late, Jeremy Corbyn gets angry about Brexit, channels his inner-socialist and rolls-up his sleeves as if this time he really means business. In a landmark speech that eventually would be ranked alongside Abe Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, he made a video-selfie on a Virgin Train saying:

“It’s all a bit unfair, really…….these train seats used to be ram-packed with foreign students…now I can recline across three in a row and get some proper shut-eye”.

September:

All remaining famous pop and rock musicians from the sixties and seventies join an obscure religious sect. Two weeks later, they are found dead along with 2,000 others in a mass suicide in Indiana, United States. Only Cliff Richard is saved, by virtue of being detained in a South Yorkshire Police cell on account of the fact that: “He must have done something wrong”.

The Daily Mail portrays Jeremy Corbyn as an ‘enemy of the people’ and calls for his head on a stick. A certain kebab-shop owner in Gosport offers his skewers in order to help.

October:

A crazed-nutter resolves to carry-out The Daily Mail’s most recent act of incitement-to-violence. But in searching for Jeremy Corbyn, he screws-up on Linkedin and murders Jeremy Paxman instead. A divided nation briefly unites in celebration.

Meanwhile, The Nobel Prize for Literature is awarded to that guy from The Trashmen who wrote:

“A-well-a ev’rybody’s heard about the bird bird bird bird B-bird’s the word oh well-a bird bird bird Bird is a word oh well-a bird bird bird Well-a bird is the word oh well-a bird bird bird B-bird’s the word a-well-a bird bird Well-a bird is a word a-well-a bird bird B-bird’s a-well-a bird bird bird B-bird’s a word a-well-a bird bird bird Well-a bird is a word a-well-a bird bird”.

November:

President Trump is impeached over his mis-management of Trump University.

‘Leftie-luvvie’ BBC Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker announces on Facebook that he is ‘in a relationship’ with The Sun’s Kelvin McKenzie. The editor of the Daily Mail becomes confused as to who to victimise.

Wayne Rooney announces his retirement from international football, twelve months after his final appearance for England as a substitute.

December:

West Ham United spend Christmas at the top of the Premier League. Lifelong West-Ham fan and actor Ray Winstone announces that if they go on to win the title, he will star in his next Cockney Cops-and -Robbers caper dressed in only his underpants.

John Lewis and Marks & Spencer announce that they are no longer going to make sickeningly saccharine-sweet Christmas adverts because they are consider that Eidh-al-Fitr presents greater marketing opportunities, now that the UK economy is screwed, whilst the Gulf States are booming.

President Trump is cleared of all wrong-doing by the Trump Supreme Court of Justiice.

Copyright, Jody Redmires, 2016

http://www.jodyredmires.com

http://www.smugwinchester.com

 

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