Once upon a time, I had to do business with this young, sanctimonious, posh woman from ‘HR’. Thanks for the inspiration.
“In the interests of our palpably-weak bottom-line
We need ideas for more-work, in less-time”
Said Antonia Lawless, of Human Resources
As she sat there before us, in blue Perry Landhaus
“Those lads in the factory have been slacking rather badly
And product unit costs have risen dramatically
It’s the factory Labour Variances that are all adverse
So the changes we propose, need-only affect those”
“Were all quite close to a P-45
This company needs help to stay alive
So come on girls, let’s blue-sky-brainstorm…….
You never know…. it might just keep your seat warm”
“There’s custom-and-practice of their drinking-on-Friday
So why don’t we at-least try doing things my way”
Said Vanessa McVulture, of Corporate Culture
“A more Amish-like lifestyle might secure all our futures”
“A week of backpacking on the tundra of Ben Nevis”
said Sophie Irrelevant, of Training and Development
“Shared-frostbite encourages a good team ethic
Or so says page ninety of my undergraduate textbook”
Bryony Lafferty, of ‘HRD strategy’
With a preference for Boss, and Gianni Versace
Said: “What if we put them on zero-hours contracts? …….
We can flex-up-and-down, in accord with demand-stats”
“I’ve always thought we paid them too much
That Christmas bonus has become a crutch
They could trade-in their Corsas, and switch to a Lada”
Said Felicity Shagworthy, whilst adjusting her Prada
Then Vanessa Manning of Manpower Planning
Suggested triple-paid-overtime banning
But she looked so obscene in her Alexander McQueen
That even the others caught the irony of the scene
Sylvia Casement of Personnel-Placement
Said “I’ve never been right-down to the basement
But I can just imagine what those skiving-lads do
All ‘Nuts’ ‘Maxim’, ‘FHM’ and ‘GQ’ ”
And as Sylvie Bourdin and Donna Karan
Draped in Ralph Lauren and Charles Jourdan
Head for the “were all in this together” car park
They wolf-whistle over to sexy mechanic-Mark.
Copyright, Jody Redmires, 2014