Human Remorseless

Once upon a time, I had to do business with this young, sanctimonious, posh woman from ‘HR’. Thanks for the inspiration.

“In the interests of our palpably-weak bottom-line

We need ideas for more-work, in less-time”

Said Antonia Lawless, of Human Resources

As she sat there before us, in blue Perry Landhaus

“Those lads in the factory have been slacking rather badly

And product unit costs have risen dramatically

It’s the factory Labour Variances that are all adverse

So the changes we propose, need-only affect those”

“Were all quite close to a P-45

This company needs help to stay alive

So come on girls, let’s blue-sky-brainstorm…….

You never know…. it might just keep your seat warm”

“There’s custom-and-practice of their drinking-on-Friday

So why don’t we at-least try doing things my way”

Said Vanessa McVulture, of Corporate Culture

“A more Amish-like lifestyle might secure all our futures”

“A week of backpacking on the tundra of Ben Nevis”

said Sophie Irrelevant, of Training and Development

“Shared-frostbite encourages a good team ethic

Or so says page ninety of my undergraduate textbook”

Bryony Lafferty, of ‘HRD strategy’

With a preference for Boss, and Gianni Versace

Said: “What if we put them on zero-hours contracts? …….

We can flex-up-and-down, in accord with demand-stats”

“I’ve always thought we paid them too much

That Christmas bonus has become a crutch

They could trade-in their Corsas, and switch to a Lada”

Said Felicity Shagworthy, whilst adjusting her Prada

Then Vanessa Manning of Manpower Planning

Suggested triple-paid-overtime banning

But she looked so obscene in her Alexander McQueen

That even the others caught the irony of the scene

Sylvia Casement of Personnel-Placement

Said “I’ve never been right-down to the basement

But I can just imagine what those skiving-lads do

All ‘Nuts’ ‘Maxim’, ‘FHM’ and ‘GQ’ ”

And as Sylvie Bourdin and Donna Karan

Draped in Ralph Lauren and Charles Jourdan

Head for the “were all in this together” car park

They wolf-whistle over to sexy mechanic-Mark.