An exclusive interview with Will Savage, Leader of WISPa
(Wintonia Independence Secessionist Party)
By Jody Redmires
JR: Will Savage, you’ve been campaigning for several weeks now on this issue. How’s it going?
WS: Great……we already have 6,000 signatures on a petition to be presented to Westminster in the autumn calling for a referendum on the secession of Winchester from the UK. We were the Capital City of England whilst London was still draining its marshes. It’s time we became the capital of our own lands again…………..even Bishop’s Waltham.
JR: And when would such a referendum most likely take place?
WS: Sometime in the summer of 2017…..probably on St Swithun’s Day. That would be rather appropriate, don’t you think?
JR: And this calls for complete economic and political sovereignty?
WS: Of course. The clue is in the name – Independence! We won’t be playing at independence, like the U.K. do with the EU.
JR: Are you not afraid of the effect on the local economy if we secede?
WS: Oh, don’t fall for the rubbish peddled by those project fear types. They are the same ones who put the willies up Scottish kilts in 2014 when the Jocks wanted-out, and who are now saying that the UK can’t cope without the EU. It’s complete claptrap. There is a well bankrolled and coordinated Organisation of Anti-Secessionist Movements……… we call them OrgASM. And under their umbrella are the Winchester Anti Nationalist Co-operative, or WANC”.
JR: WANC are part of OrgASM?
WS: Probably safer to say that WANC aspire to OrgASM. Quite a few WANC people want to achieve full OrgASM status.
JR: But surely it boils down to trade economics. Won’t Wintonia have to import nearly everything?
WS: Jody, you are forgetting that we will have a near-monopoly on the global supply of watercress. Once the rest of the world realises we can hold them to ransom, they will soon come crawling back to the negotiating table. The old wine-and-cloth scenario – ‘the law of comparative advantage’ -simple economics 101, Mr Redmires…look it up on Wiki-wotsits if you don’t believe me.
JR: So ……………..you think OrgASM are faking it?
WS: It’s simple irresponsible scaremongering. Look around you at the wealth of resources and draw your own conclusions. We have a balance between primary industry (watercress and hogs), tertiary industry (IBM and Zurich) and we manufacture just as many motor vehicles as they do in Sussex. And no–ones exactly calling Brighton a sink estate, are they? In fact Winnall is Winchesters very own Wolverhampton.
JR: What………you mean dull, characterless and no–one wants to go there?
WS: Now-now, I think you know what I mean Jody – a hive of industry, and the jewel in our manufacturing crown. Plus, we will have the tourism revenues. People come for miles to look at a University Lecture Hall with fibre-glass sheep on its roof. And we’ve got Colden Common, which is a bit like Hyde Park. And if you want to witness the real authentic ‘changing of the guard’, you can nip down to Winnall Community Centre on any given Monday night and see the Yoga class handing over the keys to the Chess Club.
JR: OK ….what about migration: How would WISPa feel about Wintonia accepting its share of Syrian refugees?
WS: We are not against it ‘in principle’. But we have to get our own house in order first.
JR: What exactly do you mean by that?
WS: I mean that there is a skeleton in the closet, an elephant in the room on our very own doorstep that we have to deal with first. Everyone is thinking it but only a brave few are coming out to say it.
JR: An elephant in the doorstep of our closet??? And that would be………?
WS: For years now, it’s been difficult to walk down Southgate Street, Jewry Street or the upper echelons of High Street without bumping into estate agency employees. The view of WISPa is that this swarm of Basingstoke–based commuters is not one of genuine refugees, but of mere economic migrants. Let’s face it you can’t even flick your cigarette stub away these days without scalding one of them. But once we have passport control at Micheldever, the problem goes away.
JR: You want to get rid of estate agencies??
WS: No, just migrant estate agent workers. More jobs for Wintonians that way! Napoleon said that Britain was a nation of shopkeepers. Wintonia can be a nation of estate agents!
JR: But surely resident Wintonians don’t want to be estate agents……. aren’t they are too busy commuting to Waterloo to go and earn the big-bucks?
WS: Exactly …it’s a brain-drain I intend to address. That passport control at Michedever I mentioned?……. Well, it’s going to work in both directions. That way Instead of short-selling us all the way to another 2008, those hedge-fund boys can do more useful things – like taking photographs of bathrooms and kitchens in Stanmore………….and coming up with creative phrases such as “Stunning views over Badger Farm”.
JR: I see…………….. can we turn now to the little matter of currency? Obviously we won’t be using pounds-sterling……….so, are we joining the Eurozone?
WS: Absolutely not! A team of archaeologists from our very own University recently uncovered an ancient horde of Saxon coins up on Compton Down, so we are going to use those. Cute little things they are, with holes in the middle……….a bit like launderette tokens – in fact, Professor Hill (the Principal Investigator) thinks they probably are Saxon launderette tokens.
JR: Defence will be worrying a few people, Will. Wintonia can’t afford a Trident. We can’t even afford to keep a surface naval deterrent.
WS: But we will have Worthy Down barracks. Anyway Jody, if Trump gets into the White House it won’t matter one bit whether we’ve got a Destroyer moored at Portsmouth harbour, or a tin bathtub moored by the Bishop on the bloody Bridge, because that mad redneck is going to start WW3, isn’t he?
JR: You mentioned the changing of the guard earlier. This brings us to the thorny issue of monarchy. Lots of Wintonians love our current monarch. Will you be pledging allegiance to the throne?
WS: As long as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II remains monarch, Wintonia will remain loyal. But as to who her successor might be, let’s just say we have reservations. I’m trying to be diplomatic here, I hope you understand – it’s not that Charles is a bad person or anything, but –
JR: (interrupts quickly): Er yes, I think I’m with you! That being the case, what’s ‘Plan B’?
WS: We at WISPa believe that the biological successor to King Alfred probably still lives within the borders of the current district. Let’s face it he probably slept with a few local serving wenches. We want to find a descendant of such activity. We would like to find that person by performing a Cinderella-test. Anyone (resident within the current border) wishing to lay claim to the throne can turn up at a static caravan outside of St Peters on Jewry St. where their claim will be tested.
JR: A Cinderella test? Let me guess…you’re going to try to put a glass slipper on their feet?
WS: (sighs) It must be wonderful living inside your head with the Easter bunny and the sugar plum fairy, Jody. But we politicians have to deal with the real world. DNA testing is a facet of modern life. It is both cheap and quick. Besides which, if we can’t find a natural successor whose blood lineage goes all the way back to Alfred………………………. I think I would look pretty cool in ermine, don’t you?
JR: You have already mentioned that Bishops Waltham and Micheldever will lie within the new Wintonia. Where else do your boundaries extend to?
WS: To the south west we are going as far as Chandlers Ford, but only to the Central Club. That way we don’t cop for another kebab shop in our manor. To the West, we will retain Hursley (because we need the tax revenues from IBM) but we are not taking Romsey under our wing…..sod that.
JR: And finally Will, any ideas on a national anthem?
WS: We need to move with the times and demonstrate that we are not conservative old fuddy-duddies. So I asked my son what would appeal to the younger voter and he has suggested: ‘Smack my bitch up’ by Prodigy. We think it’s a go-er.
JR: Will Savage, thank you and good luck