We could have scrambled eggs and salmon……

With a salad, and Parma ham on

Hey, you’ll never guess where I am

On November the twenty-fourth!

 

I’m chairing a global seminar

They’re filming it for a webinar

So they can watch it from afar

In those Universities up-north

 

There’ll be Professor Schmidt from Ghent

Thinks he’s bloody heaven-sent

A disciple, on the scent

Of the truth he deigns to hold forth

 

And old Prof. Aardvark from Harvard

Same gene-pool as Alan B’Stard

Grabs the mike just to hear his own voice

Thinks he’s James flippin’ Joyce

 

And gangly Professor Poliakof

(Could you please turn the gas ring off)?

Twenty years ago he was having it off

With a student at viva-voce

 

And Bird with his theories-absurd

Although by now its common word

That his assistant used The Carpets-Inspiral

For that ‘Madchester’ article now going viral

 

He tarted-up the Lit review

Then decided to add his name, too

So we gave him moral opprobrium

At the last doctoral colloquium

 

Claims it wasn’t all his fault

(Will you pass the Himalayan Pink salt?)

Said it was pressure from above

To produce REF-output, hand-in-glove

 

There’ll be ‘Jesus’ Jones from Warwick

A regular dandy in aspic

All larks-tongue and bullshit

…………eyeing his final pension salary

 

And old Doctor Ogle from Keele

His later work gained appeal

After he stopped writing with Beale

(Could you please chop up the celery?)

 

Copyright Jody Redmires, 2016